found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
