when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
being pregnant is like rehab
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
