1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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