im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
