Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
we're chasing vodka with high fives
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
