Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
