alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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