it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
