I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
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If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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