They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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