Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
