To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
