I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
