I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
two words...techno handjob
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
