checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
