You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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