I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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