Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
