I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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