you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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