theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I love you. Go after that dick
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
