i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
