Define "chronic" masturbator.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
