cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
