my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
