NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
