i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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