cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
