This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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