I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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