am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
