Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
