so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
