You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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