Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
