somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
