maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
