I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
