That's intense
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
