yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
