My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
