yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
