Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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