ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
