Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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