so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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