you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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