I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
