Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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