I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Girls should come with a carfax report
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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