Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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