Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
