U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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