Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Cover your peen. We're going out.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
