I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
