it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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