Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
