there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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