I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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