today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
