I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
