i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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