You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She swung at the pinata with crutches
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
