I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
