I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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